fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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