i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
