how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
