im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
