Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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