i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
