every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
