so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
