She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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