I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
