so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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