Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I need a burrito and a hug.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
