this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
