The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
