I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
