do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
