A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
