Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
