The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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