Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
