I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
