your parents love me but you hate me
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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