worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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