I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
