There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
