Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
