why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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