Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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