don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
