My hand turned me down
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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