Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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