You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
