Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
