he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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