you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
