I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
