i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
