I just cut my nipple shaving
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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