so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
