Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
