When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
