i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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