Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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