And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just threw up on my dentist
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
