I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
