i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
