community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Randomize
