it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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