Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
