Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
