I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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