All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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